a little thought

to whom it may concern:

so i wonder about folk that base their happiness on other’s misfortune.  living in a world of opposite reactions.  i think about these family members, the young woman/mother in particular.  went through a childhood of being “beautiful” and into teens — then gained a lot of weight.  and is very strange.

when think about the few times I’ve seen her smiling or at least seeming to be happy, it was at the expense of someone else.  all other times there is a frown and basically the will to spread as much unhappiness as she can.

mean.  i guess they are mean and it really does not compute with me.  i never played those games, even in grade school at the lutheran school, where it was VERY prevalent.  everyone running around with their noses in the air – and very little of which to actually be proud.  it doesn’t compute and i don’t understand.

number one, why would you want to spread misery when it all just comes back to your doorstep anyway?  so that goes under supremely stupid.  and why exalt yourself with the gossip of others misfortunes – when sooner or later you yourself will be on the receiving end of that pattern?

so is this type of behavior something that occurs with a dog eat dog mentality?  something where there is or was extreme amounts of competition.  ideology of being some sort of best, climbing the ladder; the pecking order.  in order for patterns of competition to develop, there must be a scarcity.  but what is scarce?

usa is not exactly the ground zero of competing for resources.  in that Lutheran school, we were competing WITH grades, not FOR grades.  i suppose on some level the girls are always competing for the boys, and the boys are always competing for the girls.  but it was always more important what the other girls thought of how you dressed, how you did your hair, etc.  and then again, we have the complete false notion of raising ones own standard by conceptualizing another as less, or lower.  this odd teeter totter of perceived superiority.

so that comes down to the NEED for superiority.  the first thing that comes to mind is “isn’t that quaint.”  i suppose that in some superior fashion, those pecking their way up some sort of ladder might eat “better” food – not more.  or they might have a “better” house or a “better” car.  so this is wrapped with a perception of value that is not based on function, but rather based on an abstract value – an illusion that this or that thing is a better thing to achieve.  and then that in turn colors the owner’s perception of themselves.

so it comes down to perception of self, and building up these identities that don’t exist in any real sense.

now i happen to know that the background here, was one where the family quite literally fought over food at the dinner table.  meals were always “self-serve” and if you snooze you lose.  while in comparison to my own upbringing – our plates were fixed FOR us.  and always plenty or more than plenty.  while we didn’t have to abide the “finish your plate” rule, it was kind of there and implied.  and remember my grandmother always asking “did you get enough to eat?”

so in some ways i wonder if the attitudes revolve around sustenance and the perceptions of plenty verses want.  of course, i could eliminate a good deal of the snobby attitude from others if i got a ‘real’ job and no longer depended on disability insurance and other assistance.  in some ways, the attitudes are almost too fascinating …… kind of want to see where it all goes.  if the mind will ever open up on these “push personalities.”  push because of the fact that opposition is required for them to even develop a sense of self.

that sounds almost catty of me — but truth is i don’t understand and i have never understood.  it never made sense.  part of me i suppose is very competitive.  but only in the sense of a continual process of measuring up others — deciding if there is something there or not.  so many – especially on that side of the family – seem to live with a misguided notion that their shit don’t stink.

and it goes kind of beyond being spoiled, because there is that element of mean.  of nasty reactions being the norm.  some day i’ll figure it out?  i don’t know.  it’s like a club or country of their own.  like they want you to envy not belonging, and you stand in wonderment that they would even believe someone would want to join them and their process of complete misery.  like they are children always whining that they are bored.  no enterprise.  no initiative.  hating on others just to make it so they can live with themselves one more day.

i don’t see the longevity of that practice.  what kind of people base the fact that they will not die miserably and alone, on the process of finding others that revere them?  on the process of their perceived superiority of themselves, being a draw for others.  i and others like me throw a monkey wrench in that process, because we are not impressed.

and then comes down to maybe socially it takes a lot to impress me.  and those working hard on their pecking order climbs — are pretty much on the bottom of the barrel as far as winning any admiration from myself.  i am impressed by those who study — who read a lot and understand many things.  i am impressed by those who try to make light of difficult situations.  i am impressed by those who do not complain about hard work.

but i’m not that impressed by those who bought a house worth maybe 40,000 for what will amount to 400,000 by the time they are through impressing everyone with their house.  i am not that impressed by shiny cars that are engineered to fall apart within 10 years.  i just am not.  i am not impressed by the number of toys someone buys their children.  now if they lined their bedroom walls with books, that would be something else.

and that just isn’t happening in our world.  i don’t know why.  so much of this is sad because it is all completely irreversible.  whole thing, a road where there is no going back.  like our selves, our nation — have been the victims of social sabotage.  something like that.

or — which is more likely — grew the vines and twisted the rope that surrounds our own necks.  somehow this needs to change.  i don’t believe much in doom and gloom.  at some point maybe there can become an awareness that you don’t get anywhere by feeding a doomed system.  there is no nothing at the bottom of this barrel.  the patterns are all wrong, and good number of people unknowingly feed into the morose attitudes due to perceiving the results, which then only feeds the pattern farther.  feeds the push-personalities that believe they GAIN, when others LOSE.

which is false.  you only gain, when you win against your prior self.  and for that to even work, one needs others that are not biased by their need to continually abase others in some Disney fantasy where kings and queens are the only ones that count.  where being or acting like a princess requires unforgivable degrees of stupidity.  there is no pot at the end of these rainbows.  go hangout at a resthome sometime, and see where it all ends.

the ones who competed against themselves?  they are happy to still be alive.  the ones who didn’t?  eh — they never were.